It's hard for me to write about this-- I think allowing these kinds of thoughts to form fully and be preserved is dangerous. I avoid it.

I want to admit that, even when I am home, sometimes before I am on my period, I feel

-alone
-as if no one cares about me
-empty and directionless
-afraid

I'm in college now. This is a lot harder than being a senior in high school and having people around me I've known and loved for years. This will take more of a fight than I've needed to summon for a long time. This will take more writing, more meditating, more Quaker meeting, and maybe therapy.

These were NEVER things I could talk about with friends at home. I never told anyone how intense these feelings could get, how strong my social paranoia was. Maybe I expected these issues to dissipate once I got here, but instead they became more complex and less easily resolved.

Still, I've mastered a lot of good techniques for coping. I'm not ready, yet, to say that I can handle everything that's been thrown at me, but I know that I can make my progress gradually. I know that unhappiness isn't an auspice of continued future unhappiness.

I love you, Kejt.