It's time for me now to consider how I'll look back on my actions now in the future.

I don't want to EVER reflect on how I couldn't stand up to the pressure and not do acid or ecstasy. Those are not who I am. I'm making myself a promise, because I need to say this once and for all.

I will not try acid or ecstasy. I'm not interested. I am not willing to risk myself with those. I will not try acid or ecstasy.

It's hard for me to write about this-- I think allowing these kinds of thoughts to form fully and be preserved is dangerous. I avoid it.

I want to admit that, even when I am home, sometimes before I am on my period, I feel

-alone
-as if no one cares about me
-empty and directionless
-afraid

I'm in college now. This is a lot harder than being a senior in high school and having people around me I've known and loved for years. This will take more of a fight than I've needed to summon for a long time. This will take more writing, more meditating, more Quaker meeting, and maybe therapy.

These were NEVER things I could talk about with friends at home. I never told anyone how intense these feelings could get, how strong my social paranoia was. Maybe I expected these issues to dissipate once I got here, but instead they became more complex and less easily resolved.

Still, I've mastered a lot of good techniques for coping. I'm not ready, yet, to say that I can handle everything that's been thrown at me, but I know that I can make my progress gradually. I know that unhappiness isn't an auspice of continued future unhappiness.

I love you, Kejt.

bands I've seen live

The Academy Is

Against Me!
Anti-Flag
Bon Iver
Bruce Springsteen
The Buzzcocks
Cursive
Dig Angees
DJ Dad/MC Mom
Dressy Bessy
Fishboy
Family Unit
Green Day
Headlights
Hellogoodbye
I Voted for Kodos
Jimmy Eat World
Joan Jett
Kimya Dawson
Less than Jake
Motion City Soundtrack
My Chemical Romance
Panic! at the Disco
Paramore
Poison Control Center
Puffy Taco
Santogold
Talkin Mountain
Teen Pussy
Tilly and the Wall
The Used

books to read

from GDC library

Angry Women by Andrea Juno
At the Root of This Longing by Carol Lee Flinders
Revolutionary Voices: A multicultural queer youth anthology edited by Amy Sonnie
Hunger of Memory: The Education of Richard Rodriguez by Richard Rodriguez
Dharma Girl: A Road Trip Across the American Generations by Chelsea Cain

fall break

 What will I use my time over fall break to do?

-write letters to Cora and Elliot Burke
-meditate by the bay at least once
-write out the list of all the academic disciplines I want to delve into and all my ideas for internships
-take Intro to Linear Algebra diagnostic test
-read Bitch magazine, the NYT magazine, and the daily New York Times from Ham
-organize my dresser and desk

late late

 preserving this, as it's worthy of saving

Jehan: I respect you but you don't get that extra respect for being substance free
me: haha.
I actually think that's a level of respect I can handle.
like I respect people, but there's an extra dose reserved for vegetarians
Jehan: Exactly
me: yeah.
I guess it's just that we make decisions about what we value most and feel closest to people who come to those same ways of being.


This.