long gone

Being in Des Moines reminded me of this.

There was coke.
Annie tried to kill herself.
I remember the sensation:
How can you reach out to someone too brave for comfort?

The words that make my life worth living

The words that make my life worth living, annotated

1. picayune- n. anything trivial. from the French word picaillon for small coin. used on a CD I made for Jacob Lewin as the title.

2. desultory- adj. passing from one thing to another in an aimless way; disconnected; not methodical. from the Latin for salire, to leap. also a noun for "a rider in the circus who jumped from one horse to another while they are in gallop." used by Aaron Amram in conversation to mean, "to simply do what is socially required. and not necessarily well at that."

3. ouroboros- n. an ancient symbol depicting a snake or dragon swallowing its own tail, forming a circle. represents self-reflexivity or cyclicality, especially in the sense of something constantly re-creating itself, the eternal return, and other things perceived as cycles that begin anew as soon as they end. used by Aaron Amram in a conversation about the subconscious and rational minds.

close yr eyes

mega bummin'

okay

that's all

I wish my heart was cold

but it's warm as saxophones, and honey in the sun, for you.

Things To Do
-box up books and CDs to sell
-collect addresses for January letter project
-find 5 or 6 vegan recipes to cook at home and bring back to New College
-upload prom photos from dad's camera

I don't want to be sad again

It's been too long since I've been surprised. Where did delightful serendipities go? Where did magic go?

Everything's predictable now. I get it. I get who I am and what's going to happen while I'm gone. I get that I'm letting myself fall in love, fucking it up on purpose, struggling to make things right. I get the purposeful awkwardness to avoid intimacy, I get the shyness posing as cuteness, I get the listening to albums on repeat while I fantasize about being with you.

I'm so tired of the rut.

Addendum

It is entirely possible that you could grow disinterested

stalk past me on my way to class and not utter a word

never raise your eye when I enter a room

and for weeks I would not know I had lost your favor

 

queerivism

-more posters up in Ham Center. yes homo. have you hugged a queer today? conformity sucks. pictures of gay animal sex in nature

-zines
-blog
-queer movie nights
-queer first-year social
-bi-weekly Q Word bulletin: Dykes To Watch Out For, historical gays, queer words, queer icons, queer music, queer artists. include an mp3 of a queer song with each bulletin, and a person/group
-queer lending library: ask people to donate their books. maintain a list. send e-mails out to the forum. feature a book each week.

QUEER CORPS
a loose confederation of radicals bringing the ruckus since 2009