...nothing but rulers.

I sharpened all the pencils before your program signups!

Someone had to!

I also cut paper, but no one found it and so instead they decimated a notebook!

AGHAHASDFASD so bizarre. First session, c'est la vie, knock on wood.

It's pretty crazy. That last week. The hardest I've worked in a long time. It gets better. I can imagine. It gets better. You will be better.

Did you see we found the notes from Sedona and Catalina? Things they wrote last year? They're funny. This was a punishment that I had to do as a child. My mom always spearheaded it. We would write repetitions, repetitions, repetitions.

And lists. And essays. I want a cookie. Jeff makes cookies. Need ice cream for Jenn. Running out of time. This is a distraction from everything else. This is empty. I need new Tevas.

 

speakers for New College

-the films Homotopia and Criminal Queers

-Andrea Gibson

waited for days

I want to call this post stupid because I don't know what it will be about.

I really liked being in Chicago, I liked it better than being here. I feel so weighed down by knowing everyone here. Fuck Pride, fuck running into people I really, really don't want to talk to. I guess I just fucked it up, but I don't like having so many friends or people who recognize me.

I have such a crush on Rachel and Kayden and those two girls with glasses and I feel like I'm unattractive and stupid for liking them. That wonderful gay man asked where I got my dress and told me "You're perfect" and his kindness was the best thing that happened to me tonight. Nick Manna said, sometimes you just have to be a random fuck, sometimes you won't know what you're doing, you're a wonderful person, and he was also so kind. I told him I was a trans gay guy and then the brick of knowing hit me, that if that is true then I am in for a long haul, I have some real thinking to do, things are going to get messy, I will need counseling.

I don't have any idea if seeing a therapist in Florida helped me or not, but I read all about famous people having therapists and it doesn't seem to help them, so maybe it's not supposed to help you if you're smart enough.

I want to go back to the apartment in Chicago and drink black coffee and read the newspaper, by myself. I hate this city, it's too loud, I know too many people.

People listen attentively, but not the ones I'd expect. Ben Baumbach and James Pedersen. I feel like my life is just pointing in the direction of guys and I can't make it stop and I can't explain it. Why don't my other friends listen to me? Why am I friends with these people who don't ever ask what's happening to me?

I wish Aaron would send me that fucking package he promised, and Scarlett would send me a birthday present, and Mackenzie is sending me that card.

I left my writing all over Chicago. I left pages tucked inside newspapers and behind books, on top of magazines, I can't wait for someone to read it. It is like love, I gave it voluntarily, I want nothing back, and I won't ask to see it again.

My friends at New College take care of me but even that doesn't make me really want to stay there, but big colleges are stupid and have no personality and I can't afford another small college, and I don't know how I'm supposed to make this work.

Listening to Mirah, I want to read The Importance of Being Iceland, I know I had some beautiful days at New College and the farther I get away from it the more I remember those times.

I'm sleepy and want to eat food and watch TV and not think these thoughts that I can't make sense of, because they don't mean anything. Trying to end on a positive note.

I like bookstores, new cities, walking around under trees, sunlight, big cities, libraries, places where I don't know anyone, bookstores, creative writing, coffeeshops, zines, manifestos, letters, moving away.

So much unknown, I will just keep moving in the direction of things I love.

year in review

 my problem, this year?

Aaron Amram said I was his best friend second semester.
I had sex with people I thought were attractive.
Austin Taylor told me that I was attractive, that I was kind, that I was a good person, that he could see why people would fall for me, and that none of that mattered until I could see it for myself.

I don't feel like I deserve any of the attention I got here, I still don't feel pretty, I don't like who I am, and I'm puzzled as to why someone like Aaron would be friends with me. And that hasn't stopped hurting, or gone away. I'm not sure that I'll get better at New College, or how long it will take me to get better, because I recognized these problems a long time ago and haven't been able to fix them.

I kind of want to go to University of Iowa and have a quieter existence, and write in cafes, and dress like a hipster, and have fewer people know me and be interested in me. I want winter and comfortableness, and home. I want to be able to go home on weekends when I need to, to be able to have Des Moines that close. But I guess I'll stay at New College for at least one more semester, to see if I can get better here.

things hurt a lot. I've been sad a lot. this has been a very trying and unhappy time, and I don't want to mitigate that, or pretend otherwise. and I'm not sure that I can bear the thought of staying at New College forever if I can't be happier. but, I want one more year besides this one, which was wretched for a few reasons that had nothing to do with it being New College.

May 17 2010

honor

There are good things, but they do not occur to you.

Maybe it is more correct, they do not happen
Maybe that they do not exist for you
They are just the same as they were when we
Could exist together,
Twisting dreadlock between forefingers
Jumping my body off ledges
Checking mailboxes for package-slips
Like there is a great clarity, now that I am looking
Through things to what is there. I can see better.
Through glass, through impurity right to it.
You most undear now.

a brief glimmer of happiness for today.

hard at work. trying my best.

I LOVE YOU, KEJT.

itch

writing my essay about libraries.

at least, at the end of the day, I know that I want to go to library school. I want to be a librarian.

that's what I love more than I love anything else, ever.