speakers for New College

-the films Homotopia and Criminal Queers

-Andrea Gibson

waited for days

I want to call this post stupid because I don't know what it will be about.

I really liked being in Chicago, I liked it better than being here. I feel so weighed down by knowing everyone here. Fuck Pride, fuck running into people I really, really don't want to talk to. I guess I just fucked it up, but I don't like having so many friends or people who recognize me.

I have such a crush on Rachel and Kayden and those two girls with glasses and I feel like I'm unattractive and stupid for liking them. That wonderful gay man asked where I got my dress and told me "You're perfect" and his kindness was the best thing that happened to me tonight. Nick Manna said, sometimes you just have to be a random fuck, sometimes you won't know what you're doing, you're a wonderful person, and he was also so kind. I told him I was a trans gay guy and then the brick of knowing hit me, that if that is true then I am in for a long haul, I have some real thinking to do, things are going to get messy, I will need counseling.

I don't have any idea if seeing a therapist in Florida helped me or not, but I read all about famous people having therapists and it doesn't seem to help them, so maybe it's not supposed to help you if you're smart enough.

I want to go back to the apartment in Chicago and drink black coffee and read the newspaper, by myself. I hate this city, it's too loud, I know too many people.

People listen attentively, but not the ones I'd expect. Ben Baumbach and James Pedersen. I feel like my life is just pointing in the direction of guys and I can't make it stop and I can't explain it. Why don't my other friends listen to me? Why am I friends with these people who don't ever ask what's happening to me?

I wish Aaron would send me that fucking package he promised, and Scarlett would send me a birthday present, and Mackenzie is sending me that card.

I left my writing all over Chicago. I left pages tucked inside newspapers and behind books, on top of magazines, I can't wait for someone to read it. It is like love, I gave it voluntarily, I want nothing back, and I won't ask to see it again.

My friends at New College take care of me but even that doesn't make me really want to stay there, but big colleges are stupid and have no personality and I can't afford another small college, and I don't know how I'm supposed to make this work.

Listening to Mirah, I want to read The Importance of Being Iceland, I know I had some beautiful days at New College and the farther I get away from it the more I remember those times.

I'm sleepy and want to eat food and watch TV and not think these thoughts that I can't make sense of, because they don't mean anything. Trying to end on a positive note.

I like bookstores, new cities, walking around under trees, sunlight, big cities, libraries, places where I don't know anyone, bookstores, creative writing, coffeeshops, zines, manifestos, letters, moving away.

So much unknown, I will just keep moving in the direction of things I love.