my problem, this year?
Aaron Amram said I was his best friend second semester.
I had sex with people I thought were attractive.
Austin Taylor told me that I was attractive, that I was kind, that I was a good person, that he could see why people would fall for me, and that none of that mattered until I could see it for myself.
I don't feel like I deserve any of the attention I got here, I still don't feel pretty, I don't like who I am, and I'm puzzled as to why someone like Aaron would be friends with me. And that hasn't stopped hurting, or gone away. I'm not sure that I'll get better at New College, or how long it will take me to get better, because I recognized these problems a long time ago and haven't been able to fix them.
I kind of want to go to University of Iowa and have a quieter existence, and write in cafes, and dress like a hipster, and have fewer people know me and be interested in me. I want winter and comfortableness, and home. I want to be able to go home on weekends when I need to, to be able to have Des Moines that close. But I guess I'll stay at New College for at least one more semester, to see if I can get better here.
things hurt a lot. I've been sad a lot. this has been a very trying and unhappy time, and I don't want to mitigate that, or pretend otherwise. and I'm not sure that I can bear the thought of staying at New College forever if I can't be happier. but, I want one more year besides this one, which was wretched for a few reasons that had nothing to do with it being New College.
May 17 2010
